The Top Ten Girlfriend Mistakes

Text by: Lance Levin
Photo by: Darren Tieste
Styled by: Isha Andaya
Hair and makeup by: Chechel Joson
Shot on location at: The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, Greenbelt 3
Special thanks to: Amor Maclang


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Psst! Want in on a little guy secret? No matter how
head over heels a man is about his honey, there are probably a few
things she does that work his nerves. But decoding why a guy gets
disgruntled can be difficult. The reason? “When men are annoyed, they
rarely come right out and talk about it,” explains Howard Devore,
Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in San Francisco. So
in the likely event that you aren’t psychic, we grilled tons of guys
and asked them to fess up about your biggest girlfriend gaffes. Here,
we offer some fast fixes to those faux pas.
Girlfriend Gaffe 1: Creating-Discussion Syndrome

You know the scene: Your guy is becoming suspiciously quiet (your
interpretation), so you ask if everything’s okay. He says he’s fine,
but that doesn’t seem like an adequate answer, so you ask again and
again and again. “If I do something that doesn’t involve communicating
one-on-one with my girlfriend—like watching TV or reading a book—she
automatically jumps to the conclusion that there’s a problem and I’m
pissed off,” says William, 31.
Relationship RX:
The truth is, the majority of men aren’t as chatty as women. While you
may love to sit down and gab with your girlfriends, guys aren’t as
hardwired that way. So if he seems quiet or isn’t as communicative as
you are, don’t assume he’s annoyed. “If you’ve just had a fight and he
stops talking, it could mean he’s not coming clean about his feelings,”
says Holly C. Hein, Ph.D., author of Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads
(St. Martin’s Press, 2000). “But if he’s just being quiet, respect
that—don’t personalize it or take it as a red flag that the
relationship is failing.”

Girlfriend Gaffe 2: Going Out Cash-Free

“My girlfriend has a habit of always ‘forgetting’ to go to the bank
when we go out,” says Greg, 27. “She never has more than fifty bucks in
her purse at any given time. Coincidence? I don’t think so.” Sure, guys
like to play the sugar daddy sometimes, but the “I couldn’t find an
ATM” excuse gets old fast.
Relationship RX: “Most men enjoy paying for things; they just don’t want to feel expected to do so,” says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up
(Adams Media Corp., 1999). “If a woman assumes her boyfriend is always
going to pick up the tab, he’ll start to feel used and become insecure
about the true nature of the relationship.” Even if you’re dating Mr.
Moneybags, try ‘kidnapping’ him and taking him to his favorite
restaurant, advises Weil. If you want to be treated like a princess,
it’s only fair that you spoil him once in a while too.

Girlfriend Gaffe 3: Crying to Curtail Combat

A guy will say almost anything—whether he means it or not—to do damage
control during a sobfest. “I hate the crying game,” says Derek, 29.
“When my girlfriend and I argue, we never deal with the issue at hand
because she always starts bawling.”
Relationship RX:
No, men don’t think you should never weep; they just wish you could
rein in your emotions during serious discussions so things don’t get
sidetracked. “Men become paralyzed when they see a woman cry,” says
Weil. Plus, if you turn on the waterworks in the middle of a blowout,
he may begin to wonder if you’re relying on tears to settle the
squabble.

Girlfriend Gaffe 4: Dishing the Dirt on Him to Your Friends

There’s nothing worse than walking into a dinner party filled with your
girl’s most trusted confidantes only to realize, by the look on their
faces, that they’re aware of the fight you and she had last night or,
worse, from their sympathetic smiles, that they know you just got
canned from your job. “It’s one thing to see the knowing, giggly grins
after my girlfriend’s spilled about our marathon weekend of sex,” says
Robbie, 24. “But it’s quite another when they look at me like I’m a dog
because I came home trashed at 3 a.m.”
Relationship RX:
“Be very careful what you tell your pals,” warns Hein. “You may forgive
and forget, but your friends might hold a grudge because they’re
protective of you—and that can make him feel ganged up on by the
girls.” Even if what you share isn’t damaging, having your crew know
your guy’s entire personal history will make socializing with them
awkward. So do everyone a favor and edit out the really private
details. Some things are better kept between the two of you.

Girlfriend Gaffe 5: Making Goo Goo Eyes in Public

There’s a time and place for everything—especially EDAs (Emphatic
Displays of Affection). “My girlfriend used to attach herself to my hip
whenever we went out,” remembers Bong, 29. “It was cool at first, but
after a while, I felt like the kisses and cuddling alienated everyone
around us.”
Relationship RX: It’s
nice to show your guy you care, but remember: what makes him feel good
in the privacy of your bedroom doesn’t always play out well in public.
“Men are usually taught not to express their emotions in physical
ways,” explains Hein. Since every dude has his own cutesy comfort
level, test out his boundaries. Hold his hand or give him a peck and
monitor his response. Soon you’ll see where to draw the “Hey, look at
how in love we are” line.

Girlfriend Gaffe 6: Using the Line In the Future…

“Whenever I hear my girlfriend say the three little worlds ‘In the
future,’ my chest tightens up,” says Joey, 26. “It means she’s pissed
off about something I’ve done, but instead of just telling me, she
makes a demand like ‘In the future, could you try not to be so
anti-social with my family?’ I just want to reply, ‘In the future, we
may not be going out anymore.’”
Relationship RX: Why do these three little words hit such a sore spot? “Unless you’re speaking to a child, ordering someone not
to do something is a bad idea,” says Weil. It also causes a guy to tune
out anything else you say after that grating phrase. Instead, explain
in positive terms what he can do to make you happy, like “I’d love it
if you could interact with my dad more.”

Girlfriend Gaffe 7: Keeping a Little Too in Touch

“Sheryl calls me five times a day to tell me the littlest things,”
laments Gino, 28. “I love hearing from her, but hashing out our evening
plans within earshot of my colleagues isn’t professional conduct.”
Relationship RX:
Checking in with your guy like clockwork is bound to make him cringe.
But if you can’t resist ringing him, ask what’s a good time to phone.
When you get him on the line, start with “Are you busy right now?” Then
keep it brief. “Men fear being suffocated with constant contact,” says
Weil. Besides, if you keep your calls to a minimum, he’ll be dying to
hear from you at day’s end.

Girlfriend Gaffe 8: Talking About Taboo Topics With His Friends

A man’s girlfriend has an all-access pass to the personal details of
his life. But with that privilege comes responsibility. “Just because
my girlfriend thinks it cute that I used to wet my bed as a kid and
that her pet name for me is Sweet Potato doesn’t mean I want that
insider information revealed to my buddies,” says Kevin, 28.
Relationship RX:
Just as the private details of your life—for example, what you sound
like in bed or the fact that you have a lifetime supply of
anti-cellulite cream—aren’t appropriate for prime time, neither are
his. “Before you blurt out something to his buds, quietly ask him if
it’ll embarrass him,” suggests Weil. “Or trust your intuition. If you
suspect he’s not going to want that piece of dirty laundry aired, don’t
do it. Your instincts are usually right.”

Girlfriend Gaffe 9: Overplanning Every Detail of His Life

“It makes me crazy that my fiancée has to plan our days off months in
advance,” says Tonito, 29. “She needs to know how we’re going to spend
every moment we have together. Sometimes I feel like a robot—‘See
movie. Visit parents. Enjoy museum.’”
Relationship RX:
Guys like spontaneity. Scheduling their Friday-night plans (for the
next three weeks) will suck their enthusiasm faster than you can say “I
am not a control freak.”
“Men crave a sense of
freedom even when they’re in a long-term committed relationship,” says
Weil. “Otherwise they begin to feel trapped.” So offer up more flexible
invitations, rather than demands. “Saying something like ‘I can get
tickets to a show this weekend—are you into going?’ will show him that
he has a choice in your perpetual planning and that he isn’t just
following orders.”

Girlfriend Gaffe 10: Thinking and Talking Us Too Soon

There are certain delicate moments in every relationship that shouldn’t
be rushed. Referring to yourselves as “us” rather than just “you and
me” is one such case. “After just a few months, my girlfriend was
letting ‘us’ and ‘we’ fly left and right. Before I knew it, she was
asking things like ‘What do you think our kids would look like?’”
recalls Steve, 29.
Relationship RX:
It may not come as a shock that guys prefer to take their time before
plunging into plural references. Rushing into talks about love or
marriage makes them start dreaming of a solo life spent with their Sony
PlayStation. “Don’t force your fantasies about the future on him,” says
Weil. “Let him understand that you’re not in a mad rush to get to the
altar.”
Signs You’ve Goofed
How do you know if your guy is secretly stewing? Watch for these telltale signs:
Text by: Betsy Stephens
He walks a step ahead. If you find yourself tagging at your boyfriend’s heels, he may be trying to lose you—at least temporarily.
He hurls a barb. Rather than openly admitting that something you said hurt or offended them, men often retaliate with a sarcastic remark.
He artfully avoids affection. Crossing his arms or clutching a pillow to his chest could be his way of shunning opportunities to snuggle with you.
He dodges the deed. Women aren’t the only ones who withhold sex when steamed.
His comic side surfaces.
If your beau cleverly changes the subject or cracks a joke when you’re
trying to be serious, you may have hit on a touchy subject that he’d
like to sidestep.
He averts his eyes. When a guy is annoyed with your actions, he’ll usually avoid making direct eye contact.