When You Should Marry

Text by: Megan Fitzmorris McCafferty
Photo by: Raymond Isaac


Email to a Friend

See reader Comments







We’ve all heard the cautionary tales: Baby brides who
walked down the aisle too young and were separated before their 30th
birthdays; older women struggling to land a man or to have a baby.
Stories that beg the question: “In marriage, is timing everything?”
Since a whopping 90 percent of us will wed at least once by the age of
50, we’ll all find ourselves facing when-to-tie-the-knot fears.
But is
there a perfect age to wed? Well, yes and no. Several experts cite the
28-to-32 range as having the ideal blend of energy and experience.
“There are advantages and disadvantages to marrying in your 20s, just
as there are for marrying in your 30s,” says David Popenoe, Ph.D., head
of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. “But those pros
and cons are very different, so it comes down to what matters most to
you.” Marrying at an age that best compliments your priorities—kids,
career, sex—ups your chance to living happily ever after. Here, Cosmo
has compiled the “I do” data that determines your best decade to get
hitched.

If you want…mega sex
Advantage: 20something brides

If your criterion for a great marriage is a ready, willing, and able
partner for a 24-7 sexfest, then you’d better tie the knot while you’re
young. According to a poll in the U.S. of nearly 4,000 newlyweds of all
ages conducted by researcher Barry Sinrod and his newlywed daughter,
Marlo Grey, the most prolific do-it duos are in their 20s. after one
year of marriage, 20something couples report having sex 24 times a
month versus 17 times for 30somethings (which isn’t shabby either).
With
so much boinking going on, these 20somethings know they have to bust
erotic ruts before they start. “Couples in their 20s seem far more
experimental in bed than those in their 30s,” says Sinrod, who
published the results in Just Married: A Sexy, Irreverent, Eye-Opening Look at How We Met, Dated, and Married the One We Love
(Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1998). And the young and horny husbands
can’t take all the carnal credit: The youngest brides are way more
likely than their older counterparts to grab their partners and get it
on when the mood strikes them.

If you want…affair-proof love
Advantage: 30something brides

According to the National Option Research Center at the University of
Chicago, extramarital affairs in the U.S. (like here) are most common
among younger adults, ages 18 to 29. “These couples often haven’t had
enough sexual experiences or aren’t mature enough to handle being with
one person for life,” says Lana Staheli, Ph.D., author of Affair-Proof Your Marriage
(HarperCollins, 1998). “They feel like they are missing out on
something, so they stray.” Keep an eye on guys who marry at 25 and
younger. “That’s the age when men are most likely to cheat,” says
Staheli. “Their hormones are raging, so they crave more sex.”
Sinrod’s
research also supports the idea that younger equals less faithful.
According to his study, 20somethings are more likely than couples in
their 30s to have been tempted by the fruit of another since their
wedding day.

If you want…a killer career
Advantage: 30something brides

If you’re intent on climbing the corporate ladder, you may want to
squelch your urge to tie the knot. “Couples who marry young are more
likely to follow traditional gender roles—the husband is the primary
wage earner; the wife takes care of the home,” says Jaine Carter,
Ph.D., co-author of He Works She Works (cartercarter.com,
1996). “The 20something male ego isn’t secure enough yet to accept that
a woman can be his partner in the bedroom and the boardroom.”
Generally,
women and men who marry later have an equal view of their vocations.
And once your work life has gained a certain momentum, it’s not likely
to be derailed by the demands of marriage. “Couples in their 30s are in
a better position to call the shots professionally,” says John Gottman,
Ph.D., founder of the Family Research Laboratory in Seattle. “They
don’t have to put in crazy hours to prove themselves like 20somethings
do.”

If you want…as many kids as you can handle
Advantage: 20something brides

As you probably already know, the longer you wait to make babies, the
harder it will be to get pregnant. But you may not realize just how
much harder. “Starting at age 31, your ability to become pregnant
starts to drop every few years or so, each dip more dramatic than the
last,” says Zev Rosenwaks, M.D., director of the Center for
Reproductive Medicine and Fertility at Weill Medical College of Cornell
University in New York City. “So by the time you hit 35, your chances
are significantly lower than when you were 29. At 40, the fertility
rate plummets.” In fact, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are
more than five times as many first children born to women 29 and
younger than those who are 30 and older.
Sure,
there are wonderful options for infertile couples today, but they’re
limited. “Advanced reproductive technologies can’t overcome the
barriers of nature,” says Dr. Rosenwaks. The bottom line is: If you
know you want to have a baby, don’t put it off.

If you want…fewer financial freakouts
Advantage: 30something brides

Brides who want big bucks will benefit from waiting a bit before their
nuptials. “When couples marry in their 20s, money causes a lot of
stress,” says Judith Siegel, Ph.D., a marital therapist and associate
professor at the Ehrenkraz School of Social Work at New York
University. “Both men and women envy their single friends who are
buying what they want and having fun, but they feel they should save
for a house and pay off debts like married people are ‘supposed’ to do.”
This
isn’t as big an issue for brides at 35. Obviously, the older you are,
the further along you are in your career and the more money you have
for fun and the future.

If you want…fair fights
Advantage: 30something brides

For those of us who can’t bear battles royal with our Romeos, marrying
in your 30s ensures fewer feuds. “You’re more willing to compromise and
less impulsive as you grow older,” says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., author of
The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage
(New Harbinger, 1997). “And when you do become upset, it’s highly
unlikely you’ll make a scene.” Sinrod’s survey backs this idea: Couples
in their 20s have the greatest tendency to scream and break things when
fighting with their spouses.
While the
30something newlyweds are probably mellower, Sinrod also found they are
also more likely to set aside time to talk together every day. “Good
communication protects marriages when conflicts arise,” he says.
Younger newlyweds are less likely to make talking one-on-one
priority—so it’s no wonder that things quickly get out of hand when
they don’t see eye to eye.

If you want…a sense of belonging
Advantage: 20something brides

In most parts of the world, the 20s are the picture-perfect decade for
saying I do. The farther you stray from that magic age, the more
freakish you start to feel. An article in a 1998 issue of the Journal of Family Issues confirms that being unmarried in your 30s can be bad for your state of mind because you feel like an outcast.
“Women who aren’t married by 30 become anxious and think, I’ll never find anyone!”
says Popenoe. These negative feelings don’t immediately go away once
the ring is on the finger. Older brides often have to fight off fears
that people will think there is something wrong with them for having
waited so long or that they had to rope their men into marrying at all.
It seems that for an “I’m normal” peace of mind, the 20something brides
have the edge.

If you want…no regrets
Advantage: 30something brides

Age and experience beat out youth. “More mature couples have had a
number of relationships that haven’t worked out,” says Heitler. “They
won’t take the leap unless they know it’s right.”
Young
couples might have a more idealized notion of relationships. So when
they find themselves in a reality that falls short of perfection, they
want out. “Nearly all those who said they regretted marrying were women
in their 20s,” says Sinrod. They amounted to only 9 percent of the Just Married newlyweds surveyed.