How to Stay Married

Text by: Tess Bacalla
Photo by: Ocs Alvarez
Hair and makeup by: Barbi Chan


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Oh, they’re poles apart! Agnes is the serious one, the
loner, the introvert, while Jon, her husband, is the outgoing, friendly
extrovert. She’s kuripot, thinking a hundred times before
making a purchase, even for something as small as a toothbrush. Jon is
the impulsive spender. She thinks and plans; Jon acts right away. She’s
the disciplinarian mom, and Jon the playful dad. She hates crowds; he
delights in them. She’s the first to exit from a party while Jon is
usually one of the last to leave. Jon can work with everything going
haywire around him, while she needs all the concentration she can
muster.
“If marriage was founded on compatibility,
we would never have made it beyond the first months,” Agnes says. But,
hey, they have been at it for more than a decade, and their union is
still going strong. Rock-solid, you might say.
How
can two individuals with vastly contrasting personalities stick it out
for the long haul, 11 years to be exact, and still love each other
deeply?
Carol asks a similar question, taking into
account her manifest incompatibility with Boy, her husband of 14 years.
“My husband’s the gourmet. He iron clothes better than I do. He sews
better too. Curtains, pants, shorts, you name it, he can make it. He
keeps house better than I can. ‘Yung mabango pa para sa ‘kin, hindi na para sa kanya. He’s the organizer; I’m the scatterbrain. Maglilinis siya magkakalat ako. Magpaplansta ako, uulitin nya.”
Stories
of marital success are wonderful to hear, especially in today’s times
when more and more couples head for Splitsville rather than a lifetime
of togetherness. But what makes for a long, fulfilling union? Four
happy pairs share their experiences and their secrets for keeping the
home fires burning. May their lessons and discoveries serve you well.

Accept Your Spouse—Warts and All

Through the years, Carol and Boy Caaway have done just that—learned to
accept their individual differences. “You have to be more flexible. To
accept things as they are. To stop trying to wish things were
different. That your husband was different. That your marriage was
different. That you were different,” Carol says.
Of
course, it also pays to value yourself. This Carol considers a key to a
long-lasting marriage: “That despite your own failings, your flaws, you
are somebody special. God put you here for a purpose. And that purpose
is always good.”

A full-time mom, Carol at first had to deal with
feelings that ran the gamut from boredom to insecurity—until she
realized how privileged she was to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
“It’s God-given and should therefore be treasured. ‘Pag ganyan ang outlook mo and full-time wife and mommy ka, you will be happy. A happy wife makes a happy home,” she philosophizes.
Agnes
and Jon Malinis also know the value of realistic expectations. “In many
situations in our life as a couple, we have tried to let our individual
strengths and weaknesses work for us instead of allowing them to be a
cause of tension or conflict,” explains Agnes. She gives an example:
“In attending to the household chores, I have given up on letting Jon
to the laundry or ironing because he never did those chores in his
growing-up years. It would only frustrate me if I expected him to come
up with perfectly ironed clothes.
“But because he
is truly handy guy when it comes to fixing up the house and taking care
of the kids, then I expect him to help in those areas. In the same
manner, Jon knows I have not much experience in cooking, so he doesn’t
expect much from me there. That’s why he eats out a lot,” she says in
jest. “Seriously, we think many conflicts in a marriage stem from the
couple’s in a marriage stem from the couple’s unrealistic expectations
of each other.”
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Marital problems are kinks that can be more easily ironed out if only
couples would take the time to regularly talk to each other. Chi and
real estate executive Danny Mercado, married for 19 years, are firm
believers of this. Aside from talking about marriage and family issues
as part of daily life, they have also made it a habit to go out on a
date—sans the kids, of course—every Monday so they can just bond.
For
Agnes and Jon, communication is a major must-do, no matter if it’s
painful. “We have agreed to always speak our minds to each other, never
mind if what the other one says hurts,” says Agnes “During ‘hurting’
talks, we let the supposedly aggrieved party speak his or her case
without interruption. Otherwise, we end up just throwing words at each
other without listening to the hurt hidden in the words.”
Put Family First

This is a principle that happily married couples live by, knowing full
well that no amount of communication will make married life succeed if
the family is not the couple’s first concern.
When
Pacifico and Cely Pablo, both in their 70s, decided to tie the knot 44
years ago, their first concern was to live independent of their parents.
“We
were willing to go through difficulty,” says Pacifico, or Pasing. This
first step made it easier for them to make tough decisions in the
course of building a family. Pasing recalls a time when, almost
simultaneously, he lost his job and their house help. Their children
were still very young, so husband and wife decided one of them should
stay home while the other eked out a living. Pasing was the natural
choice.