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 Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books

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classadmi
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PostSubject: Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books   Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 9:28 pm

Top 10: Terrible Celebrity Books




By Ross Bonander

Entertainment Correspondent - Every other Wednesday







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Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194b_top_10_list
Terrible celebrity authors

Celebrity forays into publishing are driven by vanity and are typically
accompanied by raised eyebrows. Virtually all published celebrity
writers employ either a cowriter or a ghostwriter, and the rare few
that don't probably should. While critics tend to be ruthless,
publishers and the public readily devour these terrible celebrity books.

Legitimate authors, meanwhile, resent them, and it’s hard to find fault when you hear comments such as those made by Madonna,
who claimed that she decided to write a children’s book because the
available books were, in her opinion, “vapid and vacant and empty.” For
good measure, she also added, “There’s like, no books about anything.”


With that in mind, enter a top 10 of terrible celebrity books. For
criteria, I eschewed autobiographies, memoirs and children’s books
(only a top 100 could handle those). Instead, I sought out disasters
across a diverse celebrity field.
Number 10

Swan - Naomi CampbellTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194c_top_10_list


Swan, the world’s top supermodel, has decided to abdicate her bitchy
crown of thorns and go in search of her successor. But Swan’s sister
mysteriously died many years ago (intriguing) and now she’s the
postmortem subject of blackmail (thrilling) and the whole thing is set
against the fast-paced, cutthroat, cosmopolitan world of haute couture
models (dynamite).

Campbell’s
openness about her use of a ghostwriter was probably a swan-dive taken
to separate herself from the book’s terrible reviews. Among the kinder
ones, Library Journal told its readership -- mostly librarians seeking to fill their shelves -- that Swan was “not an essential purchase.”


She has put out a couple of other books, but at least her publishing
career has been less glitzy than her career as a restaurateur with
fellow models Elle MacPherson and Claudia Schiffer was (you remember the Fashion Cafe -- the worst restaurant you never dined in).
Number 9

Roman Triptych - Pope John Paul IITop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194d_top_10_list


Shortly before he died, the beloved Pope issued a volume of mostly
secular poetry. In it, he takes some time to muse on the standard
poetic topics; namely nature, mortality and the meaning of life.


Was it a sin for Catholics not to buy his book? Not officially, but it
wasn’t “official policy” for every Chinese citizen to buy a copy of
Mao’s Little Red Book. That unofficial status didn’t stop the
Chairman from selling an estimated 900 million copies, placing him
second in all-time sales behind the Bible.

Dan Chiasson, writing for Slate,
wasn’t terribly critical of the poetry, stating that it is “rather
good,” but wrote that the poems come across like “secular-didactic…
self-help literature” and that John Paul II seemed to have “a sense of
himself as rather exquisitely set apart from the world” in a pontifical
Morrissey kind of way.
Number 8

Angel - Katie Price (Jordan)Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194e_top_10_list


When dowdy, dumpy Angie turned 16, her parents dropped a bomb -- they
told her that she was adopted and her birth name was Angel. A year
later, Angel’s best friend gives her a makeover, which reveals that
she’s not so dowdy after all; in fact, she’s glamorous and beautiful.
This realization grants her some much-needed, if vacant, self-worth:
she follows it up with breast implants, drugs, and a love affair with a
“dangerous” member of a boy band. Pretty soon, Angel sluts herself out
to the world of the Page 3 glamour model.

Amazon.com’s reader
reviews gushed with praise for Jordan’s first work of idiot lit, which
apparently led her to task her ghostwriters to add a second novel and a
children’s book to her collection. More than a few reviews, however,
express disappointment that the supermodel-thin plot of Angel so closely follows the author’s real-life antics as described in her two prior autobiographies.
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classadmi
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PostSubject: Re: Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books   Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 9:30 pm

Top 10: Terrible Celebrity Books




By Ross Bonander

Entertainment Correspondent - Every other Wednesday







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Number 7

A Lifetime Of Love - Leonard NimoyTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194f_top_10_list

Trust Spock to take things a little too literally. A Lifetime Of Loveshould have been titled, In Search Of… Figurative Language, Rhetorical Devices or Anything but the Obvious, as all of these are lacking in this book.

In the subtitle, Poems on the Passages of Life,
you have a very literal description of Nimoy’s selection of free verse,
and he never lets up on the literal. The reader craves, but never gets,
a crafty metaphor, a clever synecdoche or any rhetorical device at all.
When Nimoy writes that he’s “hurt by rejection,” you’ll ask, who isn’t?
And when he says that he’s “delighted by a clown,” it’s inadvertently
not only the most insight you’ll get into Nimoy’s soul, but also the
most fun you’ll have.
Number 6

The Ten Offenses - Pat RobertsonTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194g_top_10_list


History books rely on accuracy to provide credibility. Despite
purporting to offer the reader plenty of history, perhaps this question
of credibility is why the leg-press champion of the Christian
Broadcasting Network (CBN) calls this book an “action plan,” not a
history book. As in many of his published delusions, Robertson blames
Jews and liberal judges for undermining America’s spiritual roots in The Ten Offenses. His solution is to resurrect the Ten Commandments.

The Wall Street Journal called Robertson “a paranoid pinhead” and that’s easy to apply to the man’s many offenses in The Ten Offenses, including stark anti-Semitism and indifference to historical precision.
Number 5

Being a Girl: Navigating the Ups and Downs of Teen Life -
Kim CattrallTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194h_top_10_list


Pop quiz: Cattrall
is qualified to dispense advice to teen girls because: A) she has
counseled thousands of them or, B) she used to be one. Hint: the answer
is not A.

Packed full of hard-won, home-spun wisdom (and
numerous photos of Cattrall), this heady tome from a three-time
divorcee who left home at 16 to attend drama school screams vanity. Publishers Weekly
wrote that the book’s message is “valid,” but called the writing
“murky.” Cattrall has also authored a book for women on reaching
orgasm. Whether she’s more qualified in that area or not, only a select
few can say; at most, fans of Sex and the City can attest to her ability to fake them.
Number 4

Killer Instinct - Martina NavratilovaTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194i_top_10_list

Gastroenteritis, anyone?

This cowritten mystery novel, the tennis champ’s
last installment of the trilogy, follows the adventures of Jordan
Myles, an ex-tennis star (no kidding) and lesbian (interesting twist),
as she gets tangled up in the death of a child and in the love life of
an up-and-coming tennis player named Jasmine. But it so happens that
not only is Jasmine currently engaged to a basketball player, but she
also has a sticky history with Jordan’s business partner in a sports
training facility. Then, people (the reader included) start getting
sick and/or die, among them, and rather conveniently because it frees
up Jasmine, is that pesky basketball player.

Killer Instinct inadvertently offers a lesson worth remembering the next time you’re book-shopping: Kirkus Reviews
said it that the book was an “overplotted but lively look at the
frenetic lives of those in the game’s upper reaches,” but when the
publisher quoted this review on the back cover, they omitted the word
“overplotted.”
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PostSubject: Re: Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books   Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 9:31 pm

Top 10: Terrible Celebrity Books




By Ross Bonander

Entertainment Correspondent - Every other Wednesday







Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books Btn_home
Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books Btn_discuss

[url=javascript:mail_console()]Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books Btn_email[/url]
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Top 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194m_top_10_list
Saddam Hussein authored several terrible novels
Number 3

Wild - FabioTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194j_top_10_list


The poster boy for countless book covers and two dairy-related products
(margarine and cheesiness) allegedly penned six romance novels despite
an uneasy grasp of the English language. In Wild, a woman is
running from a drug kingpin because she once had seen something she
shouldn’t have, and one of the kingpin’s former bodyguards comes to her
rescue.

Romantic Times called it “trite,” but it does
feature one somewhat ironic moment that is easy to enjoy in retrospect:
While attending a baseball game, the heroine gets hit by a foul ball, a
scene that might remind readers of when the author took a bird to the
face while on a roller coaster.
Number 2

Junior - Macaulay CulkinTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194k_top_10_list

No one likes a train wreck.

I’m kidding -- we love them, and the former child star with the billion-dollar slap to the cheek delivers with a book that achieves big wrecks on every other page. Technically, Junior is
fiction, but Culkin doesn’t burden himself with the standard literary
hurdles, such as a plot or any semblance of imagination. In fact, he
sticks so close to his own tragic life that he has had to publicly deny
that he is Junior, the troubled protagonist who’s in constant, pitched
combat with his father.

He might have benefited from denying he was the book’s author too: Kirkus Reviews lowered the boom on Junior, writing that “Culkin has managed to lower the already low bar set for celebrity fiction.”
Number 1

Be Gone Demons! - Saddam HusseinTop 10 Terrible Celebrity Books 194l_top_10_list


In his final novel (yes, there were more), Hussein chose the difficult
genre of the historical epic. Set against a skewed history of Iraq, the
novel follows the heroic exploits of Salim, a handsome resistance
fighter defending his country against a timeless enemy named Ezekiel
(the Jews) as well as the Romans (Americans). Salim’s methods are so
implausible (he defeats Ezekiel by shouting, “Be gone demon!” and just
like that, Ezekiel is gone) that they make the requisite suspension of
disbelief virtually impossible for the clinically sane.

While probably not history’s first dictator-novelist,
Saddam Hussein was assuredly the worst. Not only was Hemingway his
favorite author, but he attempted to emulate his style, either unaware
of -- or gunning to win -- the annual Bad Hemingway contest.
Additionally, his timing to play “novelist” was poor, as he wrote Be Gone Demons! during the collapse of his regime.


Iraqi journalist Saad Hadi stated that: “[Saddam] lost touch with
reality. He thought he was a god who could do anything, including
writing novels.”
hot off the vanity press

Hadi’s remarks can be applied to virtually every celebrity author.
Yet, no matter how little these awful forays contribute to the
elevation of culture, they contribute to the economy -- and that’s good
enough for publishers. Unless you’re reading an autobiography, because
when it comes from the horse’s mouth it has to be true, you’ll be
better off avoiding terrible celebrity books.

Resources:
http://amazon.com
www.post-gazette.com
www.slate.com
www.guardian.co.uk
http://search.barnesandnoble.com
www.romantictimes.com
www.powells.com
www.telegraph.co.uk
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