Post Your Erap Jokes

SA EROPLANO, FIRST TIME MAG-FOREIGN TRIP SI ERAP.



STEWARDESS: ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DRINK SIR? BEER, WINE, COFFEE OR TEA?



ERAP: AY NASUBOKAN KO NA LAHAT INUMIN MGA YAN EXCEPT YUNG SINABI MONG
SECOND TO THE LAST. KAYA BIGYAN MO NA LANG AKO NG "OR" PARA MASUBOKAN
DIN.

NAGPADALA SI LOI NG BALIKBAYAN BOX KAY ERAP PARA SA PASKO:



SA FONE:



ERAP: YES DEAR NATANGGAP KO NA YUNG PACKAGE, SALAMAT SA MGA SPECIAL NA
ALAK AT YUNG MGA MAMAHALING KAPE AT CREAMER? KASO NANIBAGO AKO SA
COFFEE CREAMER KAYA NAGTAE AKO NG LIMANG ARAW.



LOI: ANONG CREAMER? WALA YATA AKONG PINADALANG CREAMER

PARA SA KAPE AH!



ERAP: MAYROON, YUNG TATAK EH...NIVEA CREAM!

nakapila sa atm machine si fvr at erap



erap: hehehe.



fvr: bakit ngi ngiti ngti ka dyan?



erap:hehe alam ko na pin number mo...



fvr: ano?



erap: apat na asterisk

jinggoy: dad bakit ganun?



erap: bakit?



jinggoy: tinext ko yung asawa ko na padating na ko



erap: o ano ngayon?



jinggoy: pag uwi ko may kasama syang lalaki sa kama



erap: baka ndi natanggap yung txt mo.

Watch Out For That Tree Erap!









A traffic policeman pulled a car over on a lonely back road and
approached the car, noticing as he came to the driver's window that the
driver was Erap. "Sir, is there a reason that you're weaving all over
the road?"



Erap replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an
accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I
swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"



Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

River Crossing







Erap and his son were on holiday. One morning, Erap decides to go for a
walk. After a few hours, Jinggoy gets a bit worried as his father, not
the smartest of people, has not returned. So he decided to go and find
his father.



Soon, he comes to a wide river and see his father standing on the
opposite bank looking lost and thinks he should go over and help him.



"Yoohoo, Dad" he shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

Erap looks up the river then down the river then over at his son and then shouts back, "You are already on the other side."

Erap's jigsaw puzzle....







Jinggoy gets a call from his father Erap. "I've got a problem," says Erap.

"What's the matter?" asks Jinggoy.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Jinggoy.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Erap.

"All right," says Jinggoy. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to his father's house and he greets him by saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Erap leads Jinggoy into his kitchen and shows
him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

Jinggoy looks at the puzzle and then turns to him and says, "For heaven's sake, Dad, put the cornflakes back in the box."

Erap in Vagas...





Erap was visiting Las Vagas one vacation when he walks up to a Coke
machine in a casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. He puts
some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. He
keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.



A guy walks up behind him and says, "Can I please use the machine?"



"Fuck off!" he says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Erap's friend's car







Erap was visiting his friend Juan in the US and was waiting for him to
arrive home on night. On the way home driving his car, Juan suddenly
found himself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones
were as big as golf balls and his car gets dented up really bad. So, he
takes it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.



The repair guy noticing that he is a bit slow and dingy when he

speaks and so decides to have some fun and tells his to blow into the
tail pipe of the car really hard when he gets home, and that doing this
will cause all of the dents to pop out.



When Juan gets home he starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as

he can, over and over. Just then, Erap comes out to greet him. He see
Juan blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. He
blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?"



Juan tells Erap that the repair guy told him to blow into the tail pipe
real hard and the dents would pop out. Erap looks at him and says "Duh!
You are really stupid. You need to roll up the windows first!"

Erap getting a hair cut





Erap goes to get his hair cut one day. The girl says "Can you take

your personal stereo off please?" Erap replies "No, it must stay on my

head or I will die". So the girl gets on with the job and carefully cuts

around the headphones. Two weeks later Erap comes back for another haircut,

still wearing his headphones. "Can you take them off please?" says the

girl. "No" says Erap so the girl cuts around them. Anyhow, by this time

his hair is getting a bit bushy around his ears. Two weeks later he comes

in for another hair cut. "Can you take the head phones off please?" says

the girl. "No" says Erap , "I must keep them on or I will die". So the

girl gets on with cutting his hair. She has nearly finished when she

notices that Erap has fallen asleep. She thinks to herself "I'll just pop

the headphones off and see what he is listening to". So very gently she

removes the headphones. As soon as they come off Erap suddenly slumps to

one side, dead as a door post. The girl has a listen to what is playing

through the headphones. She hears:



"Breath in, breath out - breath in, breath out"

Pagbabalik ni Erap









Hindi mo ba alam na narating na ni Erap ang pintuan ng langit pero hindi lang siya nakatuloy? Ito ang nangyari:

San Pedro: Anong pangalan? (may hawak nang malaking susi)

Erap: Erap po

San Pedro: Ahhh, ikaw pala si Erap, Titignan ko ang pangalan mo sa
aklat ng buhay. (sabay bukas ng libro). Ummmmm, Makakapasok ka sa
pintuan ng langit kung masasagot mo ang isa man lang sa tatlo kong
pagsubok.

Erap: Opo.

San Pedro: 1st question, Anu-anong mga araw sa isang linggo ang nagsisimula sa titik "T"?

Erap: Today and Tomorrow.

San Pedro: Ayyyy naku! Mali!! Pero may pangalawang pagkakataon ka pa.
Ito ang pangalawang pagsubok. How many seconds are there in one year?

Erap: Syempre 12!

San Pedro: Ha! bakit 12 lang?

Erap: kasi po di ba mayroong Jan 2nd, February 2nd,..........etc.

San Pedro: (medyo nainis na) Alam mo mabait lang talaga ako, kaya
siguro naman masasagot mo na itong huli kong tanong. What is the name
of our creator?

Erap: Eh di si Harold po.

San Pedro: (muntik ng mabatukan si Erap) At saan mo naman nakuha ang pangalang Harold?

Erap: Kasi po sa tuwing nagdadasal ako ay ganito: "Our Father, `Harold' be thy name....."

Pull





Erap and Jinggoy to watch a movie.

Before entering, Erap reads sign on the door: "PULL"

Erap: "tsk tsk. Balik nalang tayo bukas. Puno na naman eh!"

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Sigurista







While typing Erap's speech, Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.



Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang o sa unahan ang cooperation?

Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.

Speech Sa Olympic





Erap was invited to say a little speech on behalf of his tiny Filipino
delagates sa olympic. Tinesting ang mike and took out his prepared
speech and read:

"O, O, O, O," and before he says the last 'O', his bodyguard whisphered
to him: "Sir, insignia na olympic and binabasa mo." Gnek!

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H to O (a real groaner!)







Teacher: Erap, what is the formula for water?

Erap: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O

Teacher: That's not what I taught you!

Erap: But you said that the formula for water is H to O!

I Think





There is this mirror that eats anyone who tells a lie.

Very fat girl: "I think I'm thin and sexy."

The girl was eaten!

Ugly boy: "I think I'm handsome."

The boy was eaten!

Erap: "I think..."

And Erap was eaten

Tanga Daw









Isang araw may tinanong si Jinggoy kay Erap:

Jinggoy: Ano nga palang tawag sa damit na pambuntis" fraternity dress"

Erap: Tanga ka ba eh di ba babae naman ang nagbubuntis eh di sorority dress oh di bah