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A blast from the past...friendships that last: An interactive forum among the proud members of the FEU High School Class of 1982.
 
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 My Joke Collections (English)

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classadmi
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classadmi


Male Number of posts : 194
Registration date : 2007-07-01

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PostSubject: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:12 pm

his joke circulated in the intenet. for those who haven't read it.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full
of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking
to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed
her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was
curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no
way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the
president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around
10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
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classadmi
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classadmi


Male Number of posts : 194
Registration date : 2007-07-01

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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:13 pm

Big Game Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and
bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a
good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they
could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them
what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said
that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so
the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his
first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced
"Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308
rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that
someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then
said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through
the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a
round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and
went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last
night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave
it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you
fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
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classadmi
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Male Number of posts : 194
Registration date : 2007-07-01

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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:14 pm

Proof of Abstaining..

A newly married sailor was informed by
the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a
remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there
he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My
love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here
in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I
would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica
saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty
came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:14 pm

Roughest Hooker

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a
Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in
the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The
miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two
beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door
open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the
meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
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classadmi
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Male Number of posts : 194
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:15 pm

Condom Buyers

A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a
few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the
checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout
girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms.
Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy
some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The
guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a
feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large
condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are
brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male
customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling
his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of
events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One
packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then
brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching
this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then
decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some
condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?"
she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to
aisle 3 please!"
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classadmi
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Male Number of posts : 194
Registration date : 2007-07-01

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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:16 pm

Unlocking The Door

John and Jill were about to go into his
apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a
minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill
proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key
into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough
lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man
fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is
inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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classadmi
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Male Number of posts : 194
Registration date : 2007-07-01

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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:16 pm

Getting Home Early

A married fellow gets home early from work
and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to
find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he
asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet
and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the
wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My
wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the
house naked scaring the kids?"
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classadmi
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classadmi


Male Number of posts : 194
Registration date : 2007-07-01

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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:17 pm

How Often Man Have Sex

A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.

"There
are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every
day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the
constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the
audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.

"Then
there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a
generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good
as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And
then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a
big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a
constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit,
but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".

"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"..
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classadmi
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:18 pm

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't
know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up
sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began
to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls
opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your
mother."
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classadmi
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:18 pm

Hotel Rates


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you
might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key
West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They
stop at a nice
hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep
for four hours and
then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill
for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why
the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel,
the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on
speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears,
listens to the man, and
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized
pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains
the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of
the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains
the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the
Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the
man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives
up and agrees to
pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300
for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and
you could have."
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classadmi
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classadmi


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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:19 pm

BODY MEETING:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run
all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge !!
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classadmi
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:20 pm

daddy on the phone...

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't
got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was
all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But
I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . Is this 486-5731?"
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classadmi
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:21 pm

Sister and Sister

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way! He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?



A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
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classadmi
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:21 pm

PINOY QUIPS :

> "Guys, let's call it tonight!"
> "All of a suddenly..."
> "C'mon! Let's get it on with it!"
> "When it rains, it's four."
> "Thanks God!"
> "The nerves!" or "The nerd!"
> "The idea crossed at the back of my mind."
> "(Name of person), eat your hat out!"
> "This is our rooster of clients..."
> "The more the manyer."
> "It's a no-win-win situation."
> "Burn the bridge when you get there."
> "Anulled and void."
> "Mute and academic."
> "C'mon let's join us!"
> "If worse comes to shove."
> "Are you joking my leg?"
> "It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
> "What are friends are for?"
> "You can never can tell."
> "Well well well. Look do we have here!"
> "Let's give them a big hand of applause."
> "Been there, been that."
> "Forget it about it."
> "Give him the benefit of the daw."
> "It's a blessing in the sky."
> "Right there and right then."
> "Where'd you came from?"
> "Take things first at a time."
> "You're barking at the wrong dog."
> "You want to have your cake and bake it too."
> "First and for all"
> "Now and there."
> "I'm only human nature."
> "The sky's the langit."
> "That's what I'm talking about it."
> "One of these days is not like the other."
> "So far, so good, so far."
> "Time is of the elements."
> "In the wink of an eye."
> "The feeling is actual."
> "For all intense and purposes."
> "I ran into some errands."
> "Hi. I'm (state your name), what's yours?"
> "What is the world is coming to?"
> "What is the next that is?"
> "Get the most of both worlds."
> "Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila."
> "Whatever you say so."
> "Base-to-base casis."
> "My answers have been prayered."
> "Please me alone!"
> "It's as brand as new."
> "So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
> "I can't take it anymore of this!"
> "Are you sure ka na ba?"
> "Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
> "I couldn't care a damn!"
> "What's your next class before this?"
> "Nothing in this world is perfect except the word change."
> "Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top? (Ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo.)
> "My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!" (Translation: Daming pasalubong ng tatay ko.)
> "Standard & chartered bank."
> "I'm very iterated! (Translation: Galit sya!)
> "I'm sorry, my boss just passed away." (Translation: kakadaan lang ng boss nya.)
> "Hello, my boss is out of town, would you like to wait?"
> "What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?"
> "Don't touch me not!"
> "Hello... for a while, please hang yourself..."
> "It's spilled milk under the bridge."
> "Don't change anything! Keep it at ease."
> "Hello McDo, magiinquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal?"
> "Out of fit ako these days e..."
> "Bring down the house down!"
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:22 pm

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed
their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do
Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put
pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


32. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?

34. There are three religious truths:
*Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
*Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
*Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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Male Number of posts : 194
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:23 pm

THE PURINA DIET
I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that
it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to
load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here
that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my
story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poison ed. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:24 pm

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT . It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular clich´┐Ż for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating
his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes
on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied,
"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's ob yus to me dat
the fastest thing is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader
day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but
before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'tang ina, sir,
I had alreydi shit in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:24 pm

Labor Pain Machine





A married couple went
to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the
doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they
were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:25 pm

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam answers.



Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:26 pm

The Wit and Class of a Filipino

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for

the
loan, so the Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino produces the
title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using a $250,000
Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank
then drives the Ferrari into the bank 's underground garage and parks
it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but

we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to

borrow $5,000?"

The
Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

--kaya ba nila yun?!
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:27 pm

SHOCKING TELEGRAMS......
> >
> > TELEGRAM #1
> > A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her
> > clearing B.Ed exams,
> > which
> > the father receives as :
> >
> > "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
> >
> > TELEGRAM #2
> >
> > A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
> > station sends a
> > telegram to his wife :
> >
> > "I wish you were here." The message received by
> > wife:
> >
> > "I wish you were her."
> >
> > TELEGRAM #3
> >
> > A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway
> > station to return
> > to
> > her husband. At the reservation counter, while her
> > turn came, it was
> > the
> > last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to
> > her in the queue,
> > she
> > offered her berth to the old lady and sent a
> > telegram to her husband
> > which
> > reached as:
> >
> > "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train,
> > gave birth to an
> > old
> > lady."
> >
> > TELEGRAM #4
> > A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by
> > throwing a party So he
> > goes
> > to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he
> > wants to
> > put on the cake.
> >
> > Well! he thinks for a while and says: let's put,
> > "you are not getting
> > older
> > you are getting better".
> >
> > The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
> >
> > The man says, Well put "You are not getting older",
> > at the top and "You
> > are
> > getting better" at the bottom.
> >
> > The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened
> > the entire party
> > watched the message decorated on the cake:
> >
> > "You are not getting older at the top, You are
> > getting better at the
> > bottom".
> >
> > TELEGRAM #5
> >
> > A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her
> > parent's house in
> > Delhi.
> > When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to
> > send a telegram to
> > his
> > wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When
> > the wife
> > received the telegram, she fainted. It was written:
> > 'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:28 pm

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:28 pm

SM Megamall Scam

I am posting this to you to warn you of
something that happened to me, as I have been a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. This personally happened to me at SM Mega Mall,
Mandaluyong City, Philippines and it could also happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two
seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls will come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and soapy water with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When
you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Mall. If you agree, they will get in the back
seat fast. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one
of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen
last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday and also
yesterday. I'm on my way to the store to buy more wallets.

Be careful.

Please do not pass.
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:29 pm

A filipino was in a flight to the the US and at some point the flight
attendant was serving salad to the passengers. After a while she came
back and asked the filipino, "How's the dressing?" (referring to the
salad), and the filipino replied, "OH, MY CLOTHES ARE VERY COMFORTABLE
THANK YOU."

***

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.

One
day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay
the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money
from you. I am doing a community service." The Florist is happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and dozen roses waiting at his door.

A
Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the
cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from
you. I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A
Filipino software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay
the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot
accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Filipino
software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?

A dozen Filipinos waiting for a free haircut!
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PostSubject: Re: My Joke Collections (English)   My Joke Collections (English) Icon_minitimeMon Jul 02, 2007 12:30 pm

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and
is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to
himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense... Deputy says,
"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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