My Joke Collections (English)

Subject: Fw: Corporate Lessons.




Corporate Lesson 1

A
man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the
door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you £1,000 to drop that towel that you have
on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £1,000 and
leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the
bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,"Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did
he say anything about the £1,000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If
you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving
along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her
a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly
had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized: "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.



Corporate Lesson 3

A
sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out
in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,
so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the
admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me
next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A
small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I
would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on
some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot
the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Corporate Lesson 6
A
little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the
bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
Not
everyone who shits on you is your enemy; Not everyone who gets you out
of shit is your friend; and When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut.

Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion

The FINALISTS :

Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Japan

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down after every performance.

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Devil In The Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before
the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic
effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was
evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a
bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A Lesson in Church


A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his
wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed,
"GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he
asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with
the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest
said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say
to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her
husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one
more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said,
"That's right."

On The Job Training

Three couples
were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where
they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave
showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky
one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The
next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the
other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the
phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's
husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The
man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last
night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not
sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The
telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as
fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave
stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed
and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The
man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes
are up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave
can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was
wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks
on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The
man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to
marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth
voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get
right."

KIDS

Keep smiling.


*MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were huggingand
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

*JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new babysister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"

*CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When hisMom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry thelittle girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it outcompletely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in myroom and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so Ican run home if I get
scared of the dark." "How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the littleboy
answered.
The boy had an answer to every question thefather raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, " What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We'renot going
to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm goingto step on it!"

WIVES

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous


"Some
people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music
and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous


A
man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

your beautiful...





A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

HUSBANDS for SALE !!!



A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !



There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.



The second floor sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.



The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.



Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Request: Italian girl

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week,
company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what
would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait
for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

Pinoy Contractor and Other Jokes


Three contractors are bidding to fix the
White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from
Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to
examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape
measure and does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run
about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some
measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do
$700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or
figure, but leans over to the White House
official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, " What? ! You
didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high
figure?"
How do you expect me to co nsider your
service with that bid?

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you,
$1,000 for me and we hire the guy from
Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are
working on the Fence.

===========================================


Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the philippines ?
A. In the US they go to jail.. In the Philippines , they go to the US


---------------------------------------------------------


The three presidents in the Philippines


Q, What`s the difference among Cory, Gloria and Erap, .
A. Cory can`t tell a lie,,Gloria can`t tell the truth,,,,Erap can’t tell the difference.

Don't Laugh

>"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
>
>"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
>"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never
>laughed at a patient."
>
>"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his
>trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whooha' the doctor
>had ever seen.
>
>It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
>
>Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
>laughing
>to the floor.
>
>Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
>composure.
>
>"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am.
>I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentlemen,
>I promise it won't happen again . Now what seems to be the problem?"
>
>"It's swollen," Ed replied..