Cosmo's Guide to Getting Engaged

Text by: Celeste Perron
Photo by: Ocs Alvarez


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When the man who makes your knees weak and understands
the depths of your soul asks you to marry him, you’re possessed by a
delicious, dizzy feeling that’s equal parts of joy and nervous energy.
But other than parties and lots of planning, what can you really
expect once you’re engaged? You’re in for surprises, say women who’ve
been there. “I was shocked at how things changed once I started
sporting that ring,” says Leila, 28. “It’s exciting, but it all gets
weird very fast.” Cosmo gives the straight scoop on the strange
territory that lies between bachelorette and bride.

People get nosy.
“When women I barely know find
out I’m engaged, they’ll ask me all sorts of personal questions—from do
I like the ring to will my fiancé and I stop having sex to make the
wedding night more exciting,” says Melissa, 27. “I feel like my
relationship is being scrutinized.” You should never feel pressured
into answering any inquiry that makes you uncomfortable, says Cynthia
C. Muchnick, author of “Will You Marry Me?” The World’s Most Romantic Proposals
(IDG Books Worldwide, 1996). “When people pry, asking if you’ll take
your husband’s name or what religion you’ll raise your children,
respond with a polite-yet-vague statement like ‘I haven’t had time to
think about it yet,’” says Muchnick. “Or if your interrogator is
hitched, ask her what she did. Married women love to give advice, so that will take the spotlight off of you.”

Friends reshuffle.
Becoming a fiancée can
transform friendships, says Aileen, 25, who noticed a shift in her ties
with two unattached pals she usually sees once a week. “I just don’t
have the time for a weekly girls’ night out now that I’m so busy, and I
think they’re resentful,” she says. That’s why it’s important to
reassure any single friends who feel left behind that you still do care
about them. “Continue to go out with them whenever you can,” says Leah
Ingram, author of Your Wedding Your Way (Contemporary Books, 2000). “And when it feels right, tell them you appreciate their standing by you during this crazy time.

You start having doubts.
After the
initial excitement of saying yes to her boyfriend’s proposal, Carla,
27, freaked out. “Becoming engaged felt so adult—I just wasn’t
prepared,” she says. “So I asked Mark if we could wait a week before
telling anyone, to get used to the idea. He was upset, but luckily my
nervousness passed quickly.”
Even if you’ve been
wishing for a ring, your reaction to the big moment might be less giddy
than you’d expect. All sorts of fears suddenly pop up: “Is he really
the one?” “Are we rushing things?” “Does this mean I can’t hitchhike
across America?”
To differentiate between normal
nerves and ones that forebode marital disaster, ask yourself: Am I
nervous about the wedding? Or am I worried about spending the rest of
my life with this person? “If it turns out you’re simply anxious about
planning out the ceremony or getting along with his family, there’s no
cause for alarm,” says Judith Coché, Ph.D., a Philadelphia
psychologist. Being uncertain and even scared about taking the plunge
is also normal. “After all, you’ve never done this before,” says Coché,
so take time to sort out your feelings and make sure you’re not having
serious doubts.
What if your fiancé starts
freaking? Talk to him so you can find out if he’s just having a case of
jitters. “Say something non-accusatory, like ‘I’m a little nervous
about this whole marriage thing, aren’t you?’ Once you’ve mentioned it,
he should open up,” says Coché, so you can work through your worries
together.

Your mom will get weird on you.

Normally sweet and sane moms have been known to morph into madwomen
when their little girls announce they’re getting married. “My mom
called me five times a day, pestering me about the wedding details
before I’d even picked a date,” says Berna, 26. “Finally I snapped at
her to leave me alone, and she was really hurt.”
A
smart way to keep mom happy? Assign her specific wedding-research tasks
right away. Invitations, guests accommodations, and reception locales
are good choices because she’ll likely care about the impression
they’ll make. If you and your mom have divergent mental images of your
wedding (she’s thinking horse and carriage, you’re thinking barefoot on
the beach), be assertive but sweet. “Say ‘Mom, I know you want my
wedding to be perfect, and for me that means…’” says Denise McGregor,
author of Mama Drama (St. Martin’s Press, 1999). “It’s a big
day for both of you, so be gentle. Ultimately, she wants you to be
happy, so she’ll likely acquiesce to your wishes.”

The bridesmaid question rears its head earlier than you’d think.

You may think deciding which buds to ask to be in your bridal party is
something you can put off for a while, think again. “Shortly after I
announced my engagement, friends started acting overly helpful around
me, as if they were expecting something,” says Rhoda. “Some even
dropped hints!” To prevent others from putting you in an awkward
position, either suck it up and make your decision early or make it
clear that you and your fiancé won’t be deciding about the wedding
party for three, six, or even nine months.

Your groom hangs back.
It’s unfair but true: The
stress of planning your blissful affair will fall squarely on you. “I
feel like I have this huge task on my shoulders,” says Lisa, 28, of her
upcoming nuptials, “while my fiancé, Ron, doesn’t even think about it
that much. It’s hard not to become a little resentful.” Face it: Men
just aren’t hard-wired to care about wedding details like flowers,
cakes, and dresses like we are. Of course, the one time you do
make a move without consulting him, you might just hear about it. To
cut down on confusion and squabbling, Ingram recommends sitting down
with your guy and asking him which wedding plans he really cares about
so you can make sure to keep him in the loop on those decisions.

Your relationship needs TLC.
Once
wedding planning begins, it’s easy to forget why you’re getting married
in the first place. To put the focus back on you and your guy, Muchnick
suggests periodically declaring a moratorium on matrimony talk for an
evening or an entire weekend. “Recall all the things that you used to
find fascinating about each other before your wedding took over your
life,” she says. Or go an on “engagement-moon”—a romantic weekend
getaway—a couple of months before the big day to give yourselves a
break.
Most important, keep in mind that all the
commotion is really about you two digging each other like crazy. “A few
months into our engagement, Jojo stopped looking like my beloved and
started to look like the jerk who hadn’t called the caterer back,” says
Mabel, 26. “So one day, I packed a picnic with a bottle of Beaujolais,
and we went to the park and spent the afternoon writing our vows. It
reminded us of the true reason we were getting married—and made the
actual day much more special.”